On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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