Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
