Kareoke will never be a sober sport
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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