at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
