Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
