sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
