It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
