This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
