hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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