Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
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