I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
