My girlfriend figured out who you are.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
