No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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