you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
