I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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