I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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