Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
