The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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