it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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