Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
