just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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