She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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