I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
