Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Randomize
