I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Randomize