I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
