Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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