3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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