I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
