dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
