3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
