I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
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