shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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