she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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