I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
