I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
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