I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
