you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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