I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
