eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
