i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Randomize
