I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
