just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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