One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
