someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Someone signed my nipple.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
