Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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