I'm pants shitting drunk right now
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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