nutella sex= disaster
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
