Nicole vs. Life
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
