he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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